shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
