i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
