He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
