it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
