A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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