when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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