my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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