tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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