my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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