well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
