Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.