Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.