Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.