I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink