so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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