the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
