I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The air taste purple.
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