plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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