I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
