i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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