There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
