we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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