hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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