So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
