I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
