I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
