Swine flu. Run for my life!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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