I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I party with great urgency now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
