I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
