my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i will never coherently bang her
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
