and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You were trust falling into bushes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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