Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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