a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
