Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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