Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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