I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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