We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
