she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
