quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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