I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
