God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
