my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
