I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
