Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pants are for mortals
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
