So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
