The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
