i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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