***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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