is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
