The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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