I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
