Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
