I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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