I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
this boner is exhausting
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
