Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
