I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
