i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
