On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
These tits shall not be calmed
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
