i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Enjoy the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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