I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
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you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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